The Minivan Chronicles

A Positive Influence

On Saturday night, we had several box seat tickets to see a Dallas Stars game. A friend/former colleague of Ben's and his two sons, ages 7 and 8, joined us. I've always enjoyed spending time with this guy and his family, and was disappointed his wife decided to stay home with their 16 month old daughter instead of braving the rain and the crowds to join us. I haven't spoken with her in years, yet I have a strong feeling I need to connect with her right now, and to be influenced by her, maybe mentored by her.

She is the only true stay-at-home mom I know personally. She's not taking a break to finish school and coincidentally staying home with young children. She's not on a leave of absence from a job she plans to return to. Nor is she running away from a job she no longer wants, as many lawyers I know have. She decided early on that she would be a full-time stay-at-home mom, and as her husband says, "in her heart of hearts she believes this is her vocation." I talked to her husband at length during the game, getting as much of his perspective as possible. Now I am going to reach out to her and get a sense of how she thinks about and approaches her job. 

As I waffle back and forth, constantly ping-ponging between returning to work ASAP and staying home longer/indefinitely, I need to hear the perspective of someone who believes fervently that she is doing the best thing she can for her family and embraces it as her vocation and mission. In my heart of hearts, I believe that having one parent staying home full-time with kids is highly desirable, and in some ways necessary when the other parent has a high-demands career. However, I don't feel I am very good at it and I don't necessarily like it or feel comfortable with the idea of doing it. Perhaps it's because of my ego, perhaps it's because I fear boredom, but I never imagined my life would be involve staying home with my kids. I need to examine my thinking on this more deeply.

As a result of all this inner turmoil and uncertainty, I am only giving staying at home a mediocre try out. When I have a minute alone, I am busily rebuilding my professional wardrobe and searching for jobs online and through connections. I know I'm not giving it a fair shake, and that it's unfair to rush to the conclusion that it's not for me.

Somewhat fortified by my conversation with Ben's friend at the hockey game, I am determined to work on doing a better job this week. Starting with how we're all eating. There is no reason that we need to eat out as much as we have been doing, because I'm home to cook meals. I am also working on doing more with Caleb directly during the day so that he's learning about the things that interest him and being less alone and bored than he has been. Hopefully this will improve his behavior, which has been deplorable (he's peed in two closets, on one dog bed, and all over every bathroom floor in our house!!), and give my patience a rest, because it has been sorely tested.

 

The Difference a Year Makes

My parents are coming for Thanksgiving. Their flight arrives just before noon tomorrow. Groceries have not been purchased, the guest bed has not been made, two of our bathrooms smell like pee (thank you, Caleb), several loads of laundry are waiting to be done, and I have little to no intention of cooking anything while my parents are here, except maybe some homemade pizza. On the upside, the twins are at the super cute 4 month old stage where they want to smile and laugh all day, and Caleb is able to fetch and carry and keeps us entertained with his hilarious statements.

This is as different from last Thanksgiving as I can imagine. Last year at this time, the house was spotless, waiting for the arrival of my older sister and parents. I was barely pregnant with few symptoms (we didn't know yet we were expecting twins), and Caleb was 2, in daycare full time, and still sleeping in the nursery. For almost two weeks beforehand, on lunch breaks and after work I ran around laying in supplies. And by "supplies" I mean gourmet groceries and upgraded kitchen equipment I thought my dad would enjoy cooking with. Let's just say I made three trips to Williams-Sonoma in one week and leave it at that. The fridge was stocked with Costco-sized bags of organic carrots, cranberries, brussels sprouts, etc. I was planning to serve 10+ dishes for Thanksgiving dinner, half of which I planned to make; we even had two kinds of turkey. The phone calls planning the meal with my dad were fast and furious. And my mom and I were planning to make pecan rolls and orange cranberry rolls for Thanksgiving morning, along with homemade bread.

This year, we are taking a simpler approach. My main goal is to stay sane and have everyone enjoy spending time together, rather than putting on a fussy, elaborate, elegant meal that no one but me probably appreciated. We are serving the few classic dishes my parents have always served for Thanksgiving, all of which my dad will prepare (turkey, dressing, rutabagas, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce). My sister in law is bringing green beans and all the desserts. And we are not going to make 4 dozen breakfast rolls. If we're feeling ambitious my mom and I might make homemade dinner rolls. But that's a big if.

I didn't give anything much thought this year beyond finding out who was coming and what they would bring. The plan for what we will serve wasn't firmed up until last evening when I called my parents to see what they wanted to have. Without a plan, I haven't grocery shop for anything yet, including food for the other meals we'll eat while they are here. Feeling a bit panicked, I arranged with my parents to stop at a great Kroger on their way to my house from the airport if I need them to.

Having this backup plan has given me the breathing space I needed to get some things done around the house. The guest room sheets are in the dryer, I have a couple loads of laundry on deck, and our house cleaner comes tomorrow to take care of the floors and bathrooms. Now I just need to power through the rest of the laundry, finish writing out the grocery list, make some pizza dough, and take care of the kids. Maybe I'll get around to grocery shopping when Ben gets home from work.

A Heart of Gratitude - 14 Day Challenge - Day 12

Day 12 – A Token of Your Affection

Surprise your husband with a gift. Try to think of something that he’s had his eye on for a long time, encourages him in pursuing one of his passions, or speaks of your love for him. Make sure you wrap it (if possible) so it’s fun for him to open!

Ben is hard to shop for. He's much more into experiences and travel than he is into things. That said, I've thought for a while that he might like to have a nice pair of slippers to replace the ratty Wal-Mart slippers he has, and he would never spend money on something like this for himself. Early in this challenge I ordered him a pair of Wicked Good Moccasins from LLBean and was actually so excited to give them to him that I didn't wait for today. They fit him really nicely and he seems to like them. More than liking the actual slippers, though, I think he was touched that I thought of it and ordered them for a surprise for him.

A Heart of Gratitude - 14 Day Challenge - Day 11

Day 11 – A Sweet Treat

Make your husband’s favorite dessert. If you wanted to serve it to him wearing a super cute apron, I can’t imagine he’d mind. Just make sure he knows that you made it with him in mind even if the whole family will be partaking.

I opted not to make Ben dessert, since we've been eating a lot of sugar and fatty foods lately. Instead, he and Caleb went to a hockey game and I stayed home with the babies. He and Caleb had a great time.

A Heart of Gratitude - 14 Day Challenge - Day 10

Day 10 – Fetching Frocks and Pretty Pumps

Take extra care with your appearance today. If your morning is too hectic, primp while the babies sleep in the afternoon. Slip into a fetching frock, don a pair of pretty pumps, do your hair and make-up, and spritz on a bit of perfume. Then hit your husband with your best flirty look when he walks in the door.

Today's challenge was perfectly timed to coincide with a firm-sponsored client event. We went to the Wyly Theater in Dallas to see To Kill a Mockingbird. I bought a new dress for the occasion, dug out my favorite stilletos, and spritzed on just a tiny whiff of Chanel No. 5. I haven't felt so pretty and pulled together since before I got pregnant with the twins.  Ben looked great too in my favorite suit and the sharp-looking glasses I helped him pick out last year, but never get to see him in. We had a great time. I met several people I have mutual connections with and really enjoyed talking with them. It was the first time since my mom stayed with us that we left all three kids to go out. I think this was the success I needed to finally hire a regular babysitter.

A Heart of Gratitude - 14 Day Challenge - Day 9

Day 9 – A Helping Hand

Help your husband with his chores today. Does he usually take out the trash? Clean-up after dinner? Give the little ones their evening bath? Smile and insist on covering it for him. Encourage him to do something relaxing while you cheerfully tend to his usual duties.

Tonight I didn't do as much for Ben as I could have. I started out strong -- I took out the trash and recycling and made sure there weren't any chores that I would normally let spill over into the evening and get his help with, like dishes, laundry, etc. But I did let him put the babies to bed, and while he was doing that, Caleb was busily opening the bottom drawer of their dresser/changing table and banging him in the shins while he changed Connor's diaper.

A Heart of Gratitude - 14 Day Challenge - Day 8

Day 8 – Evening Ambiance

It’s Wednesday! I don’t know why it is, but Wednesdays are notoriously difficult. Create a welcoming environment for your husband to come home to at the end of the day. A few ideas for creating such an environment include: having his preferred evening drink ready, putting out a tray of his favorite appetizers, lowering the lights, turning on his favorite music, and making sure the house is tidy.

Ben has been working late most nights lately and having dinner in his office. To make him feel welcome at the end of the day, the main thing I try to do is to have everything as calm and peaceful as possible so he's not walking into a crisis zone. Tonight I had all three kids in the pajamas when he got home, everything tidy, trash can brought in from the curb, and some mediocre lemon cake I made earlier in the day waiting for him for dessert. I was feeding the twins when he came in and as soon as one would finish, he scooped up that baby, burped him, changed him, and put him to bed. And seemed really happy to do it. He even took Caleb with him to the babies' room. Then he got Caleb his bedtime snack, read him his stories, and put him to bed. (Of course Caleb was out of bed 12 times after that and eventually slept on the floor of our room, but that's another story.)

It's amazing how these seemingly small things can make the entire environment in our house better. The time spent during the day thinking about doing something nice for Ben when he gets home, or even while he's at work (I emailed him my list of ten directly during the work day) is good for me and makes me feel so appreciative of what he's doing for our family by working, and for who he is as a person, husband, and father. The time spent talking with the kids about what we're going to do for daddy when he gets home, e.g. keep the living room clean, eat dessert, etc. shows Caleb that I am considerate of his dad, the way Ben responds to these things, while not the point of this challenge, are wonderful for me and for all of us as well. It's just been great, overall. I'm so glad I'm doing this.

A Heart of Gratitude - 14 Day Challenge - Day 7

Day 7 – A List of Ten

Write a list of ten reasons you’re thankful for your husband. Make it a point to create a list that makes mention of things you might not compliment him on often. When you’re finished, quietly leave your list in a place he’s sure to stumble across sometime during his day.

1. I am thankful you are such an involved father.

2. I am thankful you support my dreams and ambitions.

3. I am thankful you are always willing to cheerfully lend a hand.

4. I am thankful you provide for our family so well.

5. I am thankful you love to laugh.

6. I am thankful you love to make me laugh.

7. I am thankful you are always up for having fun.

8. I am thankful you are so patient with me and with our kids.

9. I am thankful you like almost everyone you meet and are good at making and keeping friends.

10. I am thankful you like my family and welcome them into our home.

A Heart of Gratitude - 14 Day Challenge - Day 6

Day 6 – Appreciative Glances

Frame a picture of him and put it on your desk or bedside table; use a picture of him to wallpaper your computer’s background; or tuck a photo of him into your wallet. Make sure he sees it and knows just how handsome you think he is. Lay it on thick, ladies.

I have an empty frame that was sitting on my night table for over a year, and is now on my desk just colleting dust. I am going to sort through my digital pictures, find one I love, and dig out our photo printer to print it and frame it, which we received for Christmas last year but never used. Or maybe I will sort through our wedding photos and find one that would work. Regardless, this will really convey some thought and effort. Ben has been exercising regularly for the past several weeks, and I have been complimenting his looks nearly every day. I know this makes him feel good. I will keep doing it, but lay it on a bit thicker, and combine it with a kiss.

 

A Heart of Gratitude - 14 Day Challenge - Day 5

Day 5 – Love Coupons

Create a booklet of coupons for your guy to redeem at a date and time of his choosing. Does he like to sleep in? Include a coupon for a morning of rest. Does he have a favorite meal? Give him a coupon for a dinner of his choice. You know he thinks you’re pretty cute! Include a few coupons for physical affection. You know him best – give him coupons tailored to his preferences and desires.

I will be participating in the spirit of today's challenge, but not in the letter of the challenge. In other words, I will do the things I would offer coupons for, but I'm not going to actually make the coupons. We have never been a couple that does things like this and it feels too foreign to me. Instead, I plan to do the following things for him: cook his favorite dinner, give him a massage, let him sleep in (which I did today - he slept until 10am while I took care of the kids), go on a real date (means I have to arrange babysitting), and agree to one of his suggestions for dinner, movie, tv show, etc. that I wouldn't normally go along with. He was very happy he got a chance to sleep in this morning. With as much as he's been working, he really needed the sleep and I think it got his Sunday off to a good start.